Communicating in Relationships

Ever had an argument and three days later you can barely remember what the heck it was you fought over? Or your having issues with something a friend or lover does and you just brush it off, don’t say a word and it festers? I know I have and a lot of the work I do is counseling, relationships are never perfect but I find most often it is due to a lack of communication, misunderstanding or some other small missteps. This doesn’t apply just to love but to all types of partnerships whether it be friends, family or work. Relationships should be give and take, a healing and empowering experience. But we so often get wrapped up in what we think we hear, or don’t know how to get our points across. Other times we forget to cherish what we have, and begin to neglect the other person or just expect them to be there when we need them.  

Recognize Your Faults

Firstly you need to recognize your own issues. I find about ninety percent of the time that one person or even both are holding on to past baggage, and holding their new mate or friend accountable for the transgressions of the past.  We have a tendency to play the blame game, it’s easier to blame someone other than yourself for the issues going on. However, we cannot blame just one person it takes the both of you to make things work.

Recognize Your Divinity

This is one of the most important parts, you need to recognize that you do not deserve to have these issues in your life, that you are entitled to better. But by recognizing that aspect in yourself you must do the same with the other person. You were not put here to argue and hold in your emotions, you are here to have fun, learn and enjoy your life.
Along with being empowered by your connection to the Divine, there is also the responsibility that comes with it. Sometimes to heal a relationship someone needs to be the hero and put the olive branch out there and actually put the healing in motion. In this case, you.

Recognize Your Tools

Your five senses are imperative when it comes to communication, we were built to be observers and thinkers. Sometimes this is to our own detriment, our minds can overanalyze a couple of words that were said. Our eyes can pick up on defensive body language and our ears can tune in and out of conversations while we have a million things going on in our own head. We expect people to say exactly what they mean, however, we typically only vocalize maybe five percent of what we are actually thinking during a conversation. The rest is displayed through body language, and the eyes.  Be cognizant of the body language, a simple thing to pay attention to is the arms. If they are crossed or have their hands on their hips then you know the person probably won’t hear what you are trying to say, they are in a defensive position. If they are down by their sides or in a relaxed position then you know they will absorb what you are saying. They eyes are the next easiest thing to read, if they seem dazed then the person has zoned out into their own space, if they are looking all over the place then that means their brain is going a million miles a minute and this is not the time for a real conversation. You are looking for that person  to maintain eye contact with you. Your biggest tool is your voice, sometimes we get riled or excited and don’t even notice our tone has changed. You need to really be aware of how your are putting things across to people, do you sound patronizing or sarcastic?

Recognize Your Safe Place

In my house there is a room, this room is really special it is sacred space for me and my partner, there are no secrets and no barriers between us in this room. When we are having arguments, we go to this safe place and let it all hang out. When we leave the room whatever issues we had were dealt with. There are eleven commandments we have to go by in this room:

• No Yelling
• No Interrupting
• No Sarcasm
• No Violence
• You Must Listen (some people just hear the tone or tune in and out of the conversation this rule means you have to pay close attention give the person the respect they deserve)
• You Must Acknowledge (what the other person is saying)
• You Must Try To Understand  (where the other person is coming from)
• You Must Recognize The Right To Feel (it may not be fact, but it is what they felt around what you are saying and vice versa)
• You Must Use “I” Statements (I feel, I think, I hear, I see that way the other person does not feel you are attacking them and you are taking responsibility)
• You Must Say Things In Love (you can’t just say whatever, you must say things out of love and want to heal you can‘t just attack)

These rules have helped not just me and my spouse but many other clients of mine, as it eliminates all escapes and barriers. It is not a place you go to when you are angry, sometimes it is best to wait a little bit let you both cool off and then come there, when you can say what you really mean and what won’t just hurt.

Recognize When You Are Reacting
In relationships people are often more reactive than proactive and so they have the tendency to just let their emotions and insecurities take over, by carrying on the vicious cycle of attacks. When all they really want is peace in their own lives and relationships. Next time you are about to boil over with anger ask yourself what you are reacting to? Why are you reacting to it? And by reacting how will that help? After you have answered those questions ask yourself why is the other person attacking? You must recognize that there are only two emotions love and fear and we work out of one of these at any moment during the day. When someone begins attacking out of nowhere it is out of fear. What insecurities do they hold around the issue? What do they need from you to feel more safe and secure in themselves? As humans we have a responsibility to support and help each other when we are in pain.

Love whether it be friendship or mate is a beautiful thing, but much like the rest of our lives it has it’s moments. Communication is essential in all endeavors, we are a social species. With technology getting more and more efficient people are losing the ability to communicate effectively, this has put a damper on more than one relationship when one says something through an e-mail or instant message and it was misconstrued by the recipient. It sounded good in your head though right? Get back to real face to face communication, when you have respect and honesty in a relationship, understanding is inevitable. Whatever you feel, put it on the table, not in an accusing way but in a healthy way.  Cherish your relationships and see them for the blessings they are.

Mercury's Meditation

This meditation is all about socializing and recognizing the God or Goddess in you. Let the light of deity shine through you, remember you are piece of art who can bend matter to your will and has the power to change perceptions of yourself and others. Remember to start all your meditations with the Mind Sweeper exercise. Read this over before doing because there is some blanks you will need to fill in.

You enter a crowded hall, dressed in jeans and t-shirt while all others are in formal wear. Uncomfortable and alone you finally spot an acquaintance, you don’t know this person very well and have only seen them from time to time at a local convenience store, saying hi and bye. You walk up to this person, feeling kind of ignored as the person carries on a conversation with their friend. You tap the person’s arm and they smile at you. “Hello, I didn’t expect to see you here!”

“Not to sound completely ignorant, but where is here?” The Meeting of (think of some subject you know nothing about) Society.

“Oh” you reply with a lost and forlorn look on your face.

“Well” says your acquaintance,” It’s your first time here so I will be your guide.”

Feeling much safer the person leads you around the room. “That over there is Mrs. Reynolds, she is really informed about the Society. Why don’t you go talk to her to learn more?”

You head over to a tall elegantly dressed woman, her long gray hair held high in a bun and a string of pearls around her neck. She looks at you as though you are a fly on the wall. A man appears before you dressed like you in jeans and a t-shirt, Mrs. Reynolds look at him the same way. “Hey, how are you doing?” he says to the old woman holding out his hand. The woman looks flabbergasted. How does this guy have this much confidence? You think. He smiles broadly at both you and the other woman like a boy who got caught doing something naughty. The other woman smiles in return the wrinkles around her eyes crinkling, she looks like a giggly schoolgirl. You begin to feel a little more comfortable.

“So what is this all about?” The man asks looking at you.

“I..I don’t know.” You reply.

“You mean you haven’t asked yet? You have been here how long?” you feel a little upset at the way he talks to you but make no move to correct his behavior.

“Okay, here is the thing. I’m Mercury, all about communication! I’m your father, I’m a part of you. Yeah that’s right I’m in there beneath all the doubt and self-loathing. You just have to find me. What I’m here to do is to help you! It’s easy enough to speak, I mean you do it every day right? So what makes this so different? If your best friend were sitting across from you would you hesitate to ask what the heck they were talking about? Of course not! But that takes trust! You have to trust the other person not to make you feel like a complete bozo and reject you! Well here you don’t have that you don’t know that that won’t happen. Right?” He smiles at you as he takes a breath No wonder he is the God of Communication he doesn’t shut up you think to yourself.

“First off I heard that, and yeah I do talk a lot. But always with reason I want you to imagine that the bald guy over there is your best friend. Imagine you’ve known him forever, been to his house a million times, and met his wife, his dog Fido and his kids. Just try it for me will ya?”

You hesitantly agree to try it. He then pushes you in the direction of the bald man, his suit is pressed just so and he has diamond cufflinks, definitely muck a muck. You would rather crawl under a rock right now but then your mind magically forms the man into the image of your best friend.  You shake your head trying to get rid of the vision but it doesn’t fade or disappear, this must be your best friend! You look behind you for Mercury but he is no longer there.

You smile and walk up to your friend. “Hi! How are you?” the person looks back at you “Well I am doing wonderful! How about you?” A similar smile answers yours.

“I’m doing great, so what do you think of this gathering? I’ve never been to one before.”

“Oh you haven’t? Let me introduce myself my name is Mr. Spaulding, I’ll fill you in on the purpose of this meeting of the (Society Name).” Suddenly the image of your friend disappears and the bald man, but you are comfortable with him and the feeling of companionship doesn’t lessen. 

As he leads you around the room you greet a myriad of people, but you are comfortable, each person smiles at you, although dressed as you are you are not sure why, you are nothing special. Then you look down at yourself, you are in a beautiful formal outfit, and the man with you is none other than Mercury dressed to the nine’s.

“You did it! You introduced yourself to someone without being afraid. The key to this is recognizing that everyone is a potential best friend, everyone is family, you are my children. Sometimes a child can be mean and stubborn, expect it, it will happen, but remember they have not yet reached their maturity and are in the stage of the Maiden or Son, they will grow, they have their own lessons to learn and learn them they will. But as I was saying, for every stubborn mean child there are a thousand mature, kind, and wonderful children.”

“As one of my children I am a part of you!” Mercury touches your throat and the corner of your mouth. “You have the gift of communication, use it to your advantage. If ever you are scared let me speak through you. Let my voice be your voice, know you are a piece of me and that you are beautiful.” Suddenly he changes to a bright blue light and dissolves into you. You can feel his presence surrounding you, your confidence building as you peruse the hall. You approach a woman, her long blonde hair was tied back in a clip, she is thin in a dark red dress, just beautiful. Typically you would find this situation intimidating, but you feel Mercury with you. You smile as you walk the last couple of steps toward her.

“Hi! My name is (your name), this is my first time here and I just wanted to introduce myself.”

The woman looks at you as though you are beneath her and doesn’t reply but begins to talk to her other friends. You tap her on the shoulder. “I think I’ve met you somewhere before, but I’m not sure. Where are you from?” The woman names some far off place you’ve never heard of. “No that’s not it, but I swear I’ve seen your face before! Hmm… okay then, I don’t know where I recognize you from. But I can see you are busy, sometime though I would love to sit down with you and compare notes. I know I know you!” The woman gives you a contemptuous smile.

“I don’t think you move in my circles.”

You begin to grow downtrodden; your confidence is beginning to fail. Just as you were about to make another awkward remark Mercury speaks to you. “Ask about her dress.”

Oh, Thanks you say in your mind.

“Beautiful dress where did you get it?”

“It’s Dolce.” She replies.

You then talk for another couple of minutes about fashion; eventually the talk turns to work then family and home.  I knew you could do it! Good going’! Your on your own now, keep it going I’m always with you and you are always safe no matter the circumstance I will protect you!  You smile Thanks Mercury.

Now is the time to take the meditation into your own hands, let your imagination flow! Remember you are trying to make yourself as uncomfortable as possible, use your I statements, and make the person you are speaking to realize how interested you really are in their conversation. Make each person harder to talk to.

You walk out of the meeting feeling safe, secure and loves. You wake feeling rejuvenated, renewed, and confident.